You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
