The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
