I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
