Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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