I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
