it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
