also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
