I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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