remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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