I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
