i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
