The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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