i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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