i will never coherently bang her
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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