Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
