I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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