did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
