i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
