i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
