I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
