my phone needs a breathalizer
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
