I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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