I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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