I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
