yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
