you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
