Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
