Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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