They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
