I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
