You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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