When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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