I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
