dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
