If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
