smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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