You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
