Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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