I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
