Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
