if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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