She's JV to your varsity
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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