the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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