did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ttyl tear gas
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
