My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
