you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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