He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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