Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
