The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
