You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
