scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
